Sol's Pep Talk: the Truth About Whisky Mist.

May 11, 2010 19 Comments by Sian

I’d hoped that, what with the season being over and all, we’d have nothing further to complain about this season. Certainly no more disappointments, except for when the only goalkeeper Wenger manages to sign is Graham Stack or Rami Shaaban. (AW: ‘Weeeeelllll, where is ze sense in going forward when we can go back?’) I was really looking forward to a summer of international football where you’re allowed to support as many teams as you like so long as they have an Arsenal player either past or present aboard. Thought the stress levels might go down a little bit.

But no.

Sure as eggs are eggs, some quarters of the Arsenal fan base still found something to complain about. In fact, something to become nothing short of apoplectic about. I saw at least 10 or 15 fans grizzly-wizzlyling about our boys’ disgusting behaviour in the aftermath of the Fulham game. What did they do, I hear you ask? Did they emerge from a nightclub barely able to walk and with their trousers round their ankles? (nope, though Nick’s had that base covered before). Were they spotted setting light to £50 notes and guzzling vast quantities of Cristal served up by barely legal waitresses, who then found themselves on the receiving end of a smack across the chops? Did they make a massive scene at the entrance of a club when refused entry, choosing to go on the rampage and attack the big bruiser bouncers on the door, giving Joey Barton a run for his money in terms of the thuggery displayed?

No, no and no. They did something unforgiveable though. The boys went out on a massive bender with the Chelsea squad on Sunday after the match. The tab was picked up by Cesc and our entire first team headed out into the night arm-in-arm with Terry & co., wearing Chelsea scarves and singing Russian folk songs.

Oh wait a minute, that’s not what happened at all. They went to the nightclub in which Chelsea were having their end-of-season “We won the title” party (and where more than one of the first-teamers was more than certainly having their own personal ‘Wahey, I’m a dick and I got away with it again!’ party). Bacary drove there, Gael looked miserable there, Sol looked like he was on his way in to smash the place up and Cesc emerged with a face like thunder before heading off home alone.

Maybe it was daft of them to go to the same place as the Chelsea team, but the out-and-out fury I’ve seen from a few fans is ridiculous and laughable. It looks to me as though they went as some kind of punishment, to be honest. I’d not be surprised if the conversation in the dressing room went something like this:

Sol: Sit down boys, sit down.

(boys sit down)

Sol: Right. This season has been a miserable one. The fans have ended up miserable. I’ve been told as the oldest bloke here and the one most capable of restraining Andrey if he gets upset: they have cancelled the party we were going to have in honour of our achievements this season.

(grumbles of protest, someone says “But I LOVE musical chairs!”)

Sol: Sorry fellas, you just don’t deserve the things we had lined up for you. The magician, his bunny. Gunnersaurus has gone home. We’re donating the sausage rolls and Capri-Suns to charity.

Eboue: Not the Capri-Suns!

Sol: Yes Emmanuel. The Capri-Suns. We’ve come up with some alternative activities.

Cesc: OOOOOH, paintballing!

Gael: Oh no not paintballing. The last time we went Cesc shot himself in the foot.

Nicklas: Is it roller-blading? OMG I love roller-blading! Can I wear my blanket dress?

Sol: No Nick. No, you can’t. We’re headed off to Whisky Mist.

(murmurs of excitement from Kieran and Henri “Will we get in?!”)

Cesc: Whisky Mist? But… but that’s where Chelsea are going, isn’t it? Ew, I don’t want to catch cooties.

Sol: Tough shit. You’re going to watch them celebrate their win, because ugly and charmless as they are, they deserve to be celebrating this year. We don’t. Well actually I do because I worked my arse off for some of you wasters this year *bitch-face at the usual suspects* Honestly, they told me that at 35 I’d not a chance. Well look who was wrong, eh? Eh? EH?!

RVP: Sol, chillax, man. The vein on your forehead is scaring me.

Sol: Sorry. Sorry. So. Boys. You’re going to go home. You’re going to get ready to go out. We will meet outside Whisky Mist. Bac and Samir, you can arrive together. Although I’m worried Samir might look a bit like Bac’s wife… mate, maybe you should grow a beard next year or something eh? Or, you know, NOT wear rose-patterned pants on the field. Whichever.

Cesc: OK, we’ll go. Can we put shampoo in their Champagne though?

Sol: No.

Cesc: Fine. Can we throw wet toilet paper at them though?

Sol: No.

Cesc: I miss Billy G. He would have let us.

Sol: Cesc, you are our team captain. You have done a blinding job this season. You are loved here. At Barcelona you’d be nothing more than a bench boy. I want you to go up to John Terry and personally congratulate him. Can you do that for me?

Cesc: No.

Sol: Please?

Cesc: No. I’m the captain and I say I’m not touching that scumbag.

Sol: Well I’m a foot taller than you and I say you will.

Cesc: You’re a fiend, Campbell. Fine. I will shake his hand. But I will firstly do that thing where you pretend like you’re going to do it, but then you take your hand away and stick your tongue out at him. That will cut him like a knife.

Sol: (exasperated) FINE. Right, we ready? Whisky Mist at 10pm sharp. The fans will know why we’re doing this. They are still behind us. They’ve been terrific all season, they won’t question us now. Plus, all the other nightclubs in London are shit. The music is so loud. Sometimes I just want a nice cup of tea and a sit-down.

Silvestre: Yeah man, I wish you were allowed to wear slippers in those places. Maybe take a good book.

Sol: A great plan, Mikael. We shall read. As we can read. Unlike the Chelsea players. (snigger)

Silvestre: Ooh, that’s a low blow Sol, that’s a low blow. 

Cesc: That’s an AWESOME cuss. I’m gonna use that. “Oh yeah John? You won a trophy? Well whatevs, I bet you haven’t even got past reading about Biff, Chip and Kipper on Level One books yet!” Haha!

Sol: Right. To Whisky Mist we go. You are allowed one drink. I want you to watch those boys in blue celebrate and see how happy they look. Then I want you to remember that this time next year, it will be us doing all the celebrating. Us behaving like pillocks on the dancefloor. Remember this. Remember how annoying it is to see someone else happy. And finally, remember, dear friends: This time next year, we will invite them to OUR end of season celebration. And then, Cesc, yes you can put shampoo in their Champagne.

Cesc: Yessssssssss.

(the team file out of the dressing room. Someone says: “I’m gonna wear jeans. Slighty torn. With a t-shirt. And a suit jacket. ” Someone else says: “Hey me too” Someone else says: “ME THREE!”)

Eboue: Wait… so we’re definitely not getting Capri Suns then?

~ ~ ~

See, everyone can get back in their pram because that’s why they went. Maybe. I don’t care what the boys get up to when the season’s over, as long as it’s legal and healthy. They didn’t look like they had much fun. In fact Cesc looked like he wanted to throw up on his way out. I don’t understand the fuss being made. If you feel the fact they went out to a nightclub wherein a rival team was having their celebration is a personal slight against you, then that’s the way you feel. The fact is, the season is over and our boys STILL emerged sober. Bet Tottenham wish they could say the same for Ledley King.

Finally, a little story to share for those of you doubting Cesc’s love of Arsenal. He once had carpet-fitters come to… well, fit some carpet, I guess. They didn’t know it was his house they were going to and one happened to be wearing a Chelsea shirt. Obviously the guy felt the need to show it off. Cesc went on to very politely ask him to remove the shirt, or leave. The guy thought he was joking: “No. I’m serious. Sorry.” Then he made him a cup of tea.

Don’t tell me Cesc doesn’t love this club.

18 Comments

  1. Sebinho9
    2606 days ago

    AMAZING.

    Cesc: I miss Billy G. He would have let us.

    HA!

    Did they really end up in the same club? The daily mail reported it as “chelsea celebrate in whisky mist after winning the premiership cup”. I totally rinsed my friend who works on their gossip column for that.

    I always took Eboué for an Um Bongo man myself. How wrong I was…

    Reply

    • sianyr
      2606 days ago

      Well, the photos led you to believe they were. Also, I find it funny that every one takes everything the Daily Mail says with a pinch of salt UNTIL THERE’S SOMETHING TO BE OUTRAGED ABOUT IN WHICH CASE, THE DAILY MAIL IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

      It’s like… calm down. If you’re offended by it you’re offended by it but if something like that offends you… wow, you must have a stressful life.

      Cheers for reading Seb! :)

      Reply

  2. shegunner
    2606 days ago

    This was most enjoyable. You should write more imaginary conversations. Great renditions of the characters. I could see it. I could hear it. Much more believable than the Daily Mail.

    Book and slippers for Silvestre…priceless.

    Reply

  3. Teresa Ranscombe
    2606 days ago

    I want to see that scene re-enacted! Maybe in the same way as the ‘animal costume ad’ with Cesc, Theo, Arshavin and Sagna. It would be brilliant. I’d pay money.
    A great read, as ever! X

    Reply

  4. Highbury_Ghost
    2606 days ago

    Thanks Sian
    for filling in the gaps which Daily Mail did not report on, highly entertaining.
    Shame you could not give us a scoop on what happend to Cashley shirt but we will have to wait until the red tops get hold of that story :-)

    Reply

  5. larubia
    2606 days ago

    When I saw all the anti-Cesc ranting going on, I had to look twice. “Uhm wait, what???”

    Excellent entry! You just made me adore Sol even more, and the anecdote about Cesc telling that guy he couldn’t wear a Chelsea shirt in his house is one of my fave stories ever.

    Reply

  6. sianyr
    2606 days ago

    @shegunner It was so fun writing this, maybe I’ll do more in the summer!
    @Mum Agree. This should be their next charity vid. x
    @Highbury_Ghost I just checked that out on The Sun website… what IS it?
    @larubia Do not understand where the Cesc abuse came from… he played with a broken leg to keep up level with Barca! I’m glad you love that story, it’s one of my faves too! x

    Reply

  7. OmarLAGooners
    2605 days ago

    Still think it was exceedingly dumb, but there are bigger things to worry about…like what was Eboue doing that night? I often find myself wondering what Eboue is doing at any given moment. Perhaps you can come up with a story about his adventures!

    Reply

    • sianyr
      2605 days ago

      @OmarLAGooners Good idea! The Adventures of Emmanuel… I’ll bear that in mind ;)

      Reply

  8. Alan Ranscombe
    2605 days ago

    You hit all the spots again, Siany. I wish big Sol was 5 years younger.

    Reply

  9. DebsGooner
    2605 days ago

    Spot on, Sian! Don’t see what the fuss is all about.
    I don’t remember actually seeing pictures of the lads celebrating WITH the Chelsea scummers. Might merely have been coincidental. And if it wasn’t, big deal!
    And who knows, maybe it’ll inspire our lot to be the ones doing all the celebrating, next season…

    Reply

    • sianyr
      2605 days ago

      @DebsGooner My sentiments exactly. I mean hush my mouth (our mouths?) if we are later treated to photos of Cesc on Terry’s lap cutting a big blue cake and grinning his ears off, but somehow I don’t see it happening.

      Thanks for your comment and hope you’re having fun!

      Reply

  10. gratefulgooner
    2605 days ago

    Great stuff Siany! Made me literally laugh out loud.

    Reply

    • sianyr
      2605 days ago

      @gratefulgooner Mission accomplished, in that case. :)

      Reply

  11. Rebecca Jill
    2605 days ago

    What a great read!

    I absolutely love Sol Campbell, and I don’t know about you, but I’m just upset with Fabio Capello for not naming Campbell to the England preliminary World Cup squad.

    But then again, with our injury track record this season and Campbell’s age, maybe it’s better if he just has a rest and trains for next season in this offseason.

    Either way, it was absolutely brilliant of Wenger to sign Campbell back in January when he did.

    Reply

  12. Yogesh
    2589 days ago

    That was bloody brilliant. Even though the conversation was funny, it had something positive in it. I know i have said this before but your blogs are one of the most enjoyable in the gooner blog world, and we all know there are many out there. Cheers!

    Reply

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    867 days ago

    I am going nuts if I can’t read 1 of your posts! I cannot concentrate on something else!

    Reply

  14. Kristen
    750 days ago

    Hi there, yup this paragraph is in fact fastidious and I havve learned lot of things from it concerning blogging.

    thanks.

    Reply

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  1. [...] never cared about that team, I direct you to that moment. I direct you also to the very bottom of this blog, for a slightly more humorous example of his love for the [...]

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