Body of the Arsenal. Dead and bloaty.

October 21, 2012 13 Comments by Sian

Body of the Arsenal, no shots, no goals,

you looked like a team, lying in surrender.

Their rough struggling side ran at you

and made the win leap from the depth of the earth.

You were lone in a tunnel. The bovver fled from you,

And Norwich swamped you with its Holty invasion.

To survive yourself you played like absolute weapons,

Without arrow in your bow, or stone in your sling.


But the hour of Schalke falls, and I love you.

Body of French, of Welsh, of eager Lego-head Spaniard.

Oh the fumbles of the goal! Oh Italian eyes of absence!

Oh the hamstrings of the Alex! Oh the boss’s voice, slow and sad!

Body of the Arsenal, I will persist in your grace.

Your slips, your pointless poxy corners, your runs into nothing!

Winless Norwich where the really short flight goes

and weariness follows, and the infinite ache.

This was Neruda’s first draft, before the woman one. He liked passing football. Not a lot of people know that. There’s little point rehashing yesterday, because it really was that shit. Like so shit. Like, it was painful to watch shit. And if Norwich hadn’t seemed unable to score more, they would have scored more. Big if, I know. But I think it was fairly obvious to all we weren’t going to score yesterday.

Or maybe ever again. Fortunately (I guess?) this is post-international break of neverendification, so we go straight back into it on Wednesday against Schalke, who beat Dortmund 2-0 this weekend. Ha ha ha. Then again, looking at the recent form of opponents clearly means nothing if last night’s performance is anything to go by. We like to break all sorts of wrist-slitty records don’t we? Oh heyyyyy, not won at all this season? Never mind fellas, we can sort you out! Not scored a goal ever in your life, ever? Well guy have we got the team for you. I bet you’ve never tried a shot outside of the box in your career, eh? Well why don’t you take a wild swipe at ours, I’m sure we can sort something out! It’s pretty gutting, because I thought we were beyond that sort of performance. I mean, let Norwich score yeah. We’re Arsenal. Everyone scores on us. We’re a big fat ponytailed goal slag in that respect. But at least look even SLIGHTLY dangerous in return, it’s the least you can do.

Poxy, is the only way to describe it. Little sense putting any more effort into a blog on a match that had less effort in it than ET had normal-shaped-head genes. If they couldn’t be arsed, nor can I. I did think of one point yesterday, about Carl Jenkinson. He was about the only player that wasn’t embarrassing (alongside Arteta, probably). I mean he tries. A lot. Much as the constant banging on from people about him being a huge fan got boring about six months ago – he’s a professional footballer player playing very very well, not a fucking competition winner – maybe the fact he looked better than everyone else is because he looked bothered about whether we won or not. The rest looked a little like they were all thinking ‘It’s OK, no biggie. There’ll be an excuse for us somewhere and we’ve a match on Wednesday so there’s little sense getting worked up.’

Hideous. If they flew up there, I hope they walked back, or flew EasyJet. You’d have expected Arsene to have thrown some bombs in some places at half time but if he did, they didn’t work. You’d also be expecting the man whose captain-like qualities we talked about so much when he wasn’t captain to have given it a bit of welly also. This season I see a captain looking less like a captain than almost all of the others on the pitch.

Which is good.

So that’s that. POOR. But let’s get right back on the horse. In as much as it was shit, it was out of the blue. That means it’s not looked likely the rest of this season. Obviously it’s looked totally likely at least once every season for about five years but you know. Opinion really swings among certain fans in light of a defeat. It’s funny to see, particularly among grown men. But anyway. I’ll allow them to mull that over while I’ll prefer to call it a bad day. And hey, don’t wind yourself up by looking at the table will you? It means nothing, at all, in the slightest, until a few months’ time away. Nothing nasty in the comments please, I’ll block you harder than a left-footed Podolski shot. Obviously there would be no sense blocking you like a right-footed Podolski shot as such a thing has never been seen on this earth before.

But still I will not fall to the misery! You WILL win on Wednesday and everyone will change their fickle little minds once again. It’s the nature of the beast. The nature of this beast was only beastly if a retired hamster is considered a beast. You can atone for your sins starting Wednesday. Do it or I’ll write more shit poetry. I don’t know what further warning you need.


  1. Zana
    1766 days ago

    Can we lose so I can read more of your lovely poetry? Love it. I want to kick all their ugly bums so they never perform like that again. Violence is the answer in this case.


  2. Treez
    1766 days ago

    If that was shit poetry, I want more… Unlike you and your lovely wordiness, I could only find two. And they were both very, VERY rude.
    And not as entertaining as your blog.


  3. Alan
    1766 days ago

    Just as well you can be bothered unlike our boys who just couldn’t be arsed last night. Poetry as well as classy blogging. You go, girl.


  4. Alex (@WindAFC6)
    1766 days ago

    Sian, that was positively delightful. I’m fully cheered up after the weekend now! :D Oh, what’s that? Tomorrow’s Monday? Bugger. :P


  5. Gooner forever
    1766 days ago

    Nice blog.

    It was taking the red-eye from Luton to Norwich that did it.

    Jet lag.


    • Gf60
      1765 days ago

      Too bloody true…and travelling West to East is so much worse than East to West!


    • FunGunner
      1761 days ago

      @ Gooner forever

      ha ha!


  6. Irishgray
    1764 days ago

    And I thought I wrote bad poetry!! Sian, I doff my hat to you! Poxy is about how I would describe the game too. Let’s hope for better today against Schalke. At least the Chavs lost to Shaktar, so not a total loss so far this week.

    Keep it up young Lady, reading your blog is a welcome and guilty pleasure compared to the vast majority of crap written following our last game. Just go easy on the poetry, will ya? :)


  7. sient
    1762 days ago

    The thing is, I personally would rather a champions league spot rather than winning say the league cup, problem with that is Wenger and or the board don’t give us much chance of winning the champions league by consistently selling our best players, so, that makes my wish of being in the champions league a bit of a nonplus. I know Chelsea won it last year and never should have, but, when you hear Steve Bould saying that “a draw against Schalke at HOME would have been a great result”, you kind of know that Arsenal are in the competition solely to make money and nothing else. I do understand that yet again Arsenal have lots of injuries, and when those players are all available on paper at least we look pretty formidable, but after hearing this latest AGM I can’t help but think that Gazlizardish and Hill-Wood have already drawn up a list of the next players to be sold. I feel sorry for the likes of Theo Walcott, something definitely amiss there, he’s been one of our best players this year with hardly ever stepping foot on the pitch, I think he’s the next one the club want to cash in on and that’s a massive gain for another club.


  8. FunGunner
    1761 days ago

    What can I say? So clever. You’ve done it again, girl. Laughter eases the pain as always.

    I haven’t been able to watch yesterday’s game yet, but by all accounts it wasn’t dissimilar to Norwich. So let’s hope we get our Arsenal back on Saturday. Perhaps we can go back in time to when the body of the Arsenal was firm, toned and very much alive. I don’t like this “dead and bloaty” version.


    • Irishgray
      1761 days ago

      FunGunner – Me no likey this version of The Arsenal either. The sooner we start banging in the goals, the better. Hughes has never been victorious as a manager against us, long may that continue! :)


      • Irishgray
        1760 days ago

        AHAHAHAHAH!! It continues!! LOOOOOOSSERRR!!! COYG!!


  9. SKUTD
    1760 days ago

    A United Fan here—

    The current Arsenal setup looks like a very amateur one. The lack of depth and quality is very sad. And 141mio salary bill for the current squad is like paying 100 quid for a burger at Mcdonalds. Hope the team can conclude firesales as needed to clear the wage bill and Wenger can go out on a high in the next 3-5 years as he sp richly deserves.

    PS: Was Santos given a place under not talented quota established by AFC


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